Unenviable Existence

We try to move forward from a past life that haunts
A life that wasn’t engrossed by jewels and debutantes

A life that drove stakes through our flesh and our souls
A life that left us jaded, our hearts left with holes

Those of us who lived it know the rewards of our pain
We know how our suffering also helped us gain

We can see through the lies that others dare to tell
We can maintain a smile while walking through hell

The ignorant will call us “the less fortunate of society”
The enlightened will be impressed by our sobriety

The officials will say we are sick, or even dangerous
The artificial will find reasons to become traitorous

Individuals judging us while we continue our fight
They wouldn’t understand why we can’t sleep at night

Mistakes, repercussions, memories, choose to reside
Traumas, loss, regret, pain, dwell deep inside

The end is our beginning, hope is our blessing
Our future is bright although our past is depressing

The pain fuels our fire, without it we’d be lost
Knowing where we’ve been and elevating at any cost

We have to make efforts to do what is just
They have to make efforts to gain any of our trust

An unenviable existence yields the greatest reward
We accept our delegation, retrospectively deplored

The Sky Fell Down

Sun rays dance upon my face
Tree tops sway with style and grace
Clouds like cotton, skies so blue
All of a sudden, déjà vu

And then the sky fell down
The wind was blowing
The sun stopped glowing
The thunder roared
The lightning soared
And then the sky fell down

Rainbows soar from here to there
The smell of rain departs the air
Grey skies vanish without a trace
A raindrop falls upon my face

And then the sky fell down
The clouds were violent
The birds were silent
The air was cold
The storm was bold
And then the sky fell down

A full moon beaming through the night
A luminous galaxy shining bright
The atmosphere whispers a lullaby
The rumbling sounds soon nullify

And then the sky fell down
I felt the rain fall from my eye
I dared the storm to pass me by
I stood my ground against the wind
I invited lightning to descend
And then the sky fell down

Lost and Found

Lost

Heavy burdens fill my soul, solitude is my only comfort

Innocence faded long ago, anguish has taken over

A smile is replaced by a tear, sleep no longer finds me

A tormented mind, a troubled heart, a lack of understanding

Life, it comes and goes

Days are passing by, but time stands still

Who am I? Who was I? Who will I be?

A reflection unrecognized, a person unknown

Change comes in, uninvited

The intruder has come to stay

So many secrets, so much unspoken

The things that I've done have left my heart broken

The sun is in the sky, I think I’ll be fine

Darkness sweeps in, I relive it all again

Love don’t leave me, peace is gone

Pain, regret, confusion, affliction reside

My mind is lost, hope is lost, I am lost

Find me Lord, save me, take it all away

Found

The burdens you carry make a heavy load

You shouldn't attempt to lift them alone

You shine like the moon, innocence beams down

Your beautiful conviction is evidence of a pure heart

Your smile isn’t lost, it’s broken for now

Tears clean your soul, just let them flow

Your mind is encompassed with a destructive past

A lonely heart leaves you misunderstood

How could anyone understand something that cannot be explained?

Secrets, lies, loss, guilt, they dwell within but are not welcomed

You need to let go, you need a release

You’re searching for joy, you’re searching for peace

Don’t stop until it’s found, it’s searching for you

Invite a new change, one you can construe

There is no disloyalty in happiness

You have sacrificed so much already

Your shattered heart will be repaired, restored

I’ll give you mine, the one you healed, the one you sealed

You are impeccable, a consummate hero

Don’t mind your own lies that will tell you otherwise

What you seek will be found, just as my soul found yours

Love will never leave you; the Lord will never forsake you

Reach deep within, find the strength to carry on

After every dark night comes a new dawn

Illusion of Happiness

Lie beside me, relax your mind
Tell me a secret, your soul I'll find

Release your fears, your trust I seek
Explain your reasons, your words I'll keep

Open your heart, the key is mine
Look to the stars, see how they shine

The moon looks down, it sees us two
Now close your eyes, I'll close mine too

Conjure a dream, escape for a while
Create a fantasy, flee to the Nile

Wade in clear water, write on white sand
Explore sacred tunnels, we'll walk hand in hand

Let's escape to paradise, the world is ours
Dancing in the rain, embracing the showers

Walking in a field of tulips and grass
Romancing in Paris, champagne in our glass

Wherever you are, I'm on your side
I'll follow your lead, I'll be your bride

Our destiny fulfilled, sealed with a kiss
All past regrets into abyss

Brighter days lie ahead, it's written in the sky
Trust is discovered, tears are now dry

Tell me your secrets and I'll tell you mine
We are now one, everything will be fine 

Perfection is love, my heart doesn't bleed
You hinder my pain, you water my seed

All I've longed for dwells within you
I am your drug, you're addicted too

I glow with a smile I've never seen before
Every touch I feel from you leaves me wanting more

My worries fade away, from darkness to gray
I see a ray of sunshine breaking through the new day

Love is like a dream, but dreams are not real
As the morning dew wakes us, I'm feeling surreal

A new day has come, the sun begins to rise
Colors in the mist dance across the skies

Perfection interrupted, now we're back in this place
An illusion of happiness disappeared without a trace

Haunted

Tears of pain fall like rain trickling down a window pane
Because of you the skies turn blue, I know that I can smile again

My soul is lost in a state of exhaust I feel my heart overcome by frost
I need to rest upon your chest, the chill subsides when our paths are crossed

Desperate pleas across the seas searching for comfort and a mind at ease
My prayer is heard, you speak a new word, relief consoles me like a cool summer breeze

Ghosts of my past are unsurpassed, memories haunt me then guilt is recast
Persuasion of fear sends me to a prior year, then you save me from the dead hand of the past

My heart lives with scars, my mind behind bars, I'm broken and caged looking up to the stars An angel descends, says I should make amends, I open the lids for all sacred jars

Memories bleed out through my creed, the old law must die, my soul takes heed
Your wisdom and love assist in the dispose of the pain running deep enough to cut my own seed

My past has been haunted, my dreams are daunted, every choice I make is ridiculed and taunted
Hope lives within, a new life will begin, a love deep as yours is all I ever needed or wanted

Tears of a Liar

They ask me what is wrong every time they see me cry
I tell them I am fine, that is my famous lie

I know I just lied, and they know it too
They are too young to know the truth, so lie is what I do

I tell them I want to be alone, I say I will be just fine
I hate for them to see my tears, I don't want them to hear me whine

I dread the day they grow up and say, I remember her being so sad
They will remember the pain and the anger, and how I always felt so bad

I cry because I am hurt, I cry because I am alone
I cry because I miss a person who I cannot reach by phone

I am sad because the people who are supposed to care most do not even give a damn
I wonder if they dismiss me because of who they are, or if I push them away because of who I am

It is so difficult being in love with a man who lives on the other side of the Earth
I cannot decide if the distance is our problem, or if he fails to realize my worth

I hate my mom because she never gave a fuck about me, she left me when I needed her the most
Now she comes back after 15 years and tells me she loves me, as if we are close

She is a stranger to me! She was never a mom, so I call her by her name instead
How can I act like you did not disown me, abuse me, and then you fled?

My father fought cancer, I thought I would lose him, by His grace my dad came out on top
You would think facing death he would quit smoking and drinking, it is obvious he does not want to stop

There are times I do not cry at all, I fight the tears and I remain strong
On this night it is all too much for me, I have been crying for so long

My kids look at me and ask me what is wrong, I tell them I am okay
They know it is not true and they want to cry too, because I am feeling this way

It is sad to say they are used to seeing the tears, and I am used to feeling them fall
Maybe the tears are not a bad thing,without sadness there would not be any happiness at all

Haunted Soul, Troubled Mind

The rush comes over my mind, just as the sea crashes into the shore
I say I want to be alone, but in reality I want you to want me more

The words come out of my mouth before the thoughts are ever processed
I feel like I am not myself, wondering if it's possible I have been possessed

The emotional trauma from my past haunts my soul, but not my troubled mind
I pray one day love will heal me, and all anguish will be left behind

The way my mind works cannot be explained, nor be understood
I know you want to relate to me...only if you could

The despair I feel day by day cannot be what life is about
I want to cry I want to fight I want to scream I want to shout

The happiness I long for seems to exist in a different realm or plane
I need a sound mind to carry me through, but I always feel insane

The high I feel when I am low is an abnormal chemical reaction
I insist on self-destruction rather than creating a safe plan of action

The backwards thoughts flow like lava erupting from Lassen Peak
I don't always say what I mean or mean what I say, is it truth that you seek?

The compulsive behavior ruins my day, but somehow I just can't quit
I continually obsess unnecessarily, it's preposterous I admit

The instability in my life has become a stable environment
I suppose routine would create normalcy, but normal isn't an entitlement

The troubled mind, the aching heart, and the tortured soul dwell within
I don't know who I would be if this pain had never set in

Tears Have Blinded Your Sight

I know at times you want to cry, but you choose to fight the tears

You never imagined it would be so hard, but you choose to ignore your fears

Life dealt you a hand that has not been easy and now you feel alone
You never considered you would find your comfort on the other end of a phone

People come and people go, it is difficult for you to connect
You never believed your lack of trust could ever have such an affect

The thoughts in your head cannot always be said so you keep them to yourself
You never should have to face anything alone and should never be put on the shelf

Love is rare but you still have hope that true love will find you someday
You never give up on those you love, and you know love will find a way

The loyalty that lies within your heart is beautiful and unique
You never intended to have these walls up, but without them you feel weak

Your future is filled with hope and promise, tears have blinded your sight
You never see how brightly you shine, you're a beaming star in the night

Believe in yourself and never give up, everything will fall into place
You never have to go through anything alone, you are blessed with mercy and grace

For my dear friend May Day 

Painless Expression

I'm intrigued by your intellect and taken by your smile

You shine bright as treasure and you're as deep as the sea

I appreciate your honesty and admire your style

My mind often imagines what you may think of me

Your mysterious demeanor will have me guessing for a while


The chemistry between us seems to come and then go

Our friendship has developed beautifully thus far

I hold on to you with faith our relationship will grow

I'm reluctant to confess in case you find this bizarre

I'm willing to tell you everything I think you should know


I remember the time I put a smile on your face

I could feel your happiness through the phone

From then our friendship quickened in pace

The outcome between us is still unknown

It is for us to decide the next step that takes place


Your amazing thoughts set you apart from the rest

You've captured my attention by sharing your views

The connection between us has not yet failed a test

This bond we have made is one I intend to never lose

My admiration for you is painlessly expressed

The Greatest Mystery Never to be Solved

          Love is a need. Everybody wants love, but having a foundation of love in our lives is quite necessary. From the day we are born we are instinctively loving toward our parents. As we grow we thrive on love in order to be healthy and happy. Love shapes us and forms us. The lack of love also shapes us and forms us. Although love is a necessity, our desire for love creates an empty space when we do not receive the affection and care from others that we seek. This desire for love leads to bad judgment, poor decision making, and settling for less.

          An individual who is loved properly from infancy through adolescence will have a greater chance of finding love as an adult. Those who do not experience love as they should during their younger years will struggle with giving and receiving love later in life. Why do we look for love in the wrong places? Why do we love those who hurt us most? Love is the greatest mystery that will never be solved. The concept of love is difficult to comprehend. Love has a textbook definition, but can love really be defined? I believe the definition of love varies from person to person. Find a person who has the same definition of love as you do and then you have found true love. 

          Love sometimes chooses us, but we also have the power to choose who we love. Never make love decisions based on impulse. Matters of the heart are so fragile. The heart cannot be understood by logic. The heart has a mind of its own. The heart does not make decisions based on thoughts from the mind. Following your heart can end in tragedy or pure bliss. Making the wrong decision is always a life experience. Aren't life's most difficult lessons learned after heartache or heartbreak?

           Love makes us weak and love makes us strong. Loves makes us and love breaks us. Love is a contradiction. It is needed, but is difficult to find. Love is withheld when it should be given. It is given when it should be withheld. We fall, we hurt, we heal. Seek love and find heartache. Love finds you then leaves you. Love causing pain is common. To find love and keep it is rare.

In Love Alone

What do you do when the person you are in love with doesn’t seem to be in love with you?

Do you just give up and throw it all away? Do you stick around hoping they come around one day?

Lack of communication causes things left unsaid. Saying too much causes tears to be shed.

Pain is inevitable in a situation such as this. I always thought love was supposed to be bliss.

Unhappiness lingers and smiles begin to fade. During these times I look to you for aid.

Priorities do not seem to be where they should. I continually try to fix things; I just wish that you would.

I always want to keep a smile on your face. I wonder now if I am invading your space.

Love isn’t complicated, people are complex. You are a mystery whom I find perplex.

When we talk to each other it doesn’t feel the same. What once was a fire has burned down to a flame.

It seems you would rather talk to others than me. The funny thing is you’re the only one I see.

I see you with my heart and I see you with my soul. I see you as the person whose heart I once stole.

Once a relationship is tainted it’s hard to get it back. It takes a lot of effort to get things on track.

My tears seem to fall more than they have too. It pains me to think about being without you.

At times I feel confused and at times I feel alone. Others offer their time, but I don’t want them in my zone.

Maybe I should care less, but maybe you should care more. Maybe I’m not exactly what you’re looking for.

My mind is filled with questions that seem to have no answer. Our relationship is sick, as if infected with cancer.

We have several options in our current situation. Bring us back to life or sentence us to damnation.

Do we continue as we are in this state of sorrow? Do we keep planning on dealing with the issue tomorrow?

A resolution eventually has to come about. I need to know if you are living in doubt.

Your happiness is always my precedence. I have no problem with showing benevolence.

If my happiness is not your main concern you should rid yourself of this burden, even though it will burn.

An Impostor

You wear a disguise every day

You mask the truth in every way

Your friends are victims and they don’t even realize

Your family refuses to acknowledge you tell lies

You only come around when it benefits you somehow

You win the trust of everyone, even I until now

Your rumors and gossip have ruined peoples’ lives

Your backstabbing habits have required many knives

I have been fooled, but I now see right through you

I see an impostor who has no one to look up to

I’m noticing your fear overpowers your bravery

I’m realizing your weaknesses leave you in slavery

I recognize your desire for drama in your life

I have seen how your relationships end in turmoil and strife

I’m bringing to the light everything you hide in the dark

I’m ending our friendship, but willing to hear your remark

The things you have done were all self-serving

The benefits you reaped were very undeserving

There will be a day when karma comes around

There will not be a way to avoid something so profound

The things you took from me I do not even want back

The only expectation I have is you get your life on track

There is a thought I would like to leave you with

There is no hope for a person whose life is a myth

I, You, We

I see the tears falling down and I am feeling helpless right now

I want to make everything better I want to change things somehow

I often make decisions with no regard of how they will affect another

I now see you suffering because of me, but I am supposed to be your mother

I will spend every breath I take working to make your future more pleasant

I know that may not mean too much to you being you are unhappy during the present

You inspire me to be a better person and to change my foolish ways

You make me feel important and bring sunshine to my rainy days

You are so strong and so unique I admire that about you

You remind me of myself by the way you act and certain things you do

You should never of had to experience some of the things you have been through

You have always been understanding and to me you remain true

We will make it through these hard times I give you my word

We continue to look toward a brighter day although our vision is blurred

We will never be alone because together we are a team

We often feel like as if we could wake up and it all be a dream

We will continue to pray and forever stick together

We shall over come this inclement weather

Written for my daughter

I love you Kyla <3 

Troubled

Stress level is so high I feel I might relapse

Before I find inner peace how much time must elapse?

I can no longer distinguish between anxiety and anger

Before I trust myself I may confide in a stranger

I want to get a drink, but one will turn into two

I cannot handle this feeling so I don't know what else to do

My soul weeps and my heart cries tears as big as the ocean

My life has changed and somehow I feel as if I am one big emotion

My troubled mind produces thoughts a sane person could not comprehend

I dare not speak of what I think, I find it easier to just pretend

Pretend like everything will be fine

I am constantly asking for a sign

I need confirmation that I will make it through the rain

I need relief from all of this heartache and pain

I do not remember what it feels like to laugh

Can somebody please tell a joke on my behalf?

Then and Now

You say you still love me and want me but you don't know me anymore

Although the person I am now is different, somehow I am better than before

You loved me then, so you say, but the bruises and tears say differently

You could never love me now because now you would not get away with how you treated me

The hurt and pain you put me through doesn't compare to any other experience

That includes me getting shot, being in jail, and every courtroom appearance

You are a manipulator, I admit back then you got into my head

There were times I thought that if I stayed with you I would end up dead

Look at me now I am so much smarter and more beautiful than before

I hear you were in prison for a while, they say you're not on your feet anymore

For me the journey has been rough but I stand on solid ground

I have faith, I am sober now, and salvation I have found

Because of you I suffer many consequences, even on this very day

I try not to blame you but I know you are the reason my life is this way

I do take responsibility for my own actions and for being so naive

You were the center of my world then but now I have goals I am going to achieve

My children know I am better now they see it in my eyes

My family knows I have changed my ways they no longer hear my lies

I am more responsible now but that is something you never will be

I told you back then, "one day you will regret how you are treating me"

You never appreciated me and you took my kindness for weakness

I guess that is what caused me to be bitter, on the bright side it contributes to my uniqueness

If it wasn't for you I never would have developed my hustling skills

I now have a new talent that helps me buy nice things and pay my bills

If it wasn't for you disrespecting me I wouldn't have learned to stand up for myself

I now refuse to be abused, mistreated or put up on the shelf

So you see I am different now from how I was back then

I don't think we are compatible now you are sadly mistaken

Oceans Between Us

          What I feel for you is like nothing I have experienced before. Truth is... I suffer you, but my love endures. You are forever in my heart, and I in yours. I can hear your soul whispering into mine. Your soul is saying, "I was made for you and we are intertwined so do not weep in my absence." My heart replies by saying, "I beat for you, I pound for you, I long for you, I live for you." If only you could feel what I feel when the mere thought of you crosses my mind.

          My chest gets tight, my stomach flutters, and my head spins around to no end. The distance pains me, but love lingers here and provides hope for the weary. True love will always find a way. I keep this thought a reality...I keep this thought as a safe haven in times of fear and doubt.

          You are with me always, we shall never be apart. I long for the day we physically connect, but I embrace the spiritual connection I am experiencing with you. This is evidence that my soul mate has been discovered yet the oceans between us prohibit our bodies from connecting. I can almost feel your presence. I fantasize of the day I catch a glimpse of your smile, I feel your hands run through my hair, I feel your strong embrace, I see a tear stream down your face.

          I lie in bed caressing myself imagining it is you. I drive myself insane thinking of all the things we will do. You live inside of me, there isn't an ocean wide enough to sever the divine connection we have. Worry not my love, I will wait for you. Now that I have found you no other individual on earth will do.

Never Has Been Never Will Be (Part 1)

Is the world so corrupted now that love rarely exists? Are we too hurt to trust? Times have changed and things aren't the same. Finding love is almost impossible now days. You think you found somebody, you invest time into them, you invest money into them, you cut off other people to focus on that person... then BAM everything falls apart. OR you have a person of interest, but you cannot let your guard down. If you don't let your guard down how can you give that person a fair chance though, right? So you decide to be open minded and give that person the benefit of the doubt... only to realize you shouldn't have taken the wall down, you should have waited for them to climb over it.

Everybody deserves to be loved. Everybody deserves to have at least one person who they can trust and depend on. Billions of people in the world and yet there are still good people who are single, good people who are heart broken. So should we give up? WE = the good people who deserve to have somebody, by the way. Should we continue to add bricks to our wall until the wall is so high you cannot see what is on the other side? Should we stay guarded at all times or should we open up to those who seem like they MAY deserve a chance? This world is full of so many games. People act like they have no choice but play with emotions and see how far they can take it with that person. As much as would I like to remain optimistic about love and trust... I continually am proven right. Love is rare & trust is almost extinct. People are too hurt to care about your feelings. People are too selfish to want to make you happy. Don't trust anybody too soon because you never know what their true intentions are. If you have your guard up, keep it up. Letting it down is setting yourself up for pain.

Love is easy to give but hard to receive. LOVE IS: an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. Love is easily confused with lust. Love is a chemical reaction. Love is a choice. Love is a gift. If you are fortunate enough to experience this gift, cherish it. If you go searching for love you will not find what is meant to be yours. Love is not fair. Love has been disrupted by hate. Love has been tormented by lies. Love suffers...love dies. They say love is blind... I think love sees what it wants to see. Love sees the good in people. Love believes in others. Love is hopeful. Love is naive. Love is for them, not for me. Never has been, never will be.

Never Has Been Never Will Be (Part 2 - The Poem)

Love is not fair

Love has been disrupted by hate

Love is rare

Love is not everyone's fate

Love has been tormented by lies

Love suffers, love dies

They say love is blind

That's not true in my mind

Love sees what it wants to see

Love sees what somebody could be

Love is hopeful

Love is naive

Love is never boastful

Love is difficult to conceive

Love is for them, not for me

Never has been, never will be

I'm Fake

I have to be honest, even if you don’t like what is said

I am not who I said I am, I am a pretender instead

I put on a fake smile, I act like I care when I do not

I hate being responsible and it excites me that I’ve been shot

I walk with such confidence, but I feel insecure at times

I make an honest living now, but I miss committing crimes

The person I pretend to be misses the real me

The real me is dormant right now, but she is trying to break free

I sit at home so often reminiscing of the old days

I have tamed myself for now, but I still have my old ways

My old ways brought me to a place that has had me stuck for a while

The old days made me who I am but made it hard for me to smile

I’m fake now because I was too real before

Too raw, too cut throat, and I was too hardcore

My mentality was unstable my actions were treacherous

My attitude was rude my behavior was lecherous

You can say I changed my ways, but that’s not really the case

Truth is I’m two people that share the same face

I have led you all on, because I am a manipulator

You all fell for my antics like I’m some sort of facilitator

I’m too smart for my own good, the streets taught me so well

School doesn’t really interest me; I’d rather be out raising hell

You all have been deceived; I do not regret it at all

You should have known the old me was in it for the long haul

I'd Rather Feel High Than Low

I will try to explain this to you

Although I don't fully understand it myself

The urges I get for the things that I do

Cause me to put what's important on the shelf

Sometimes I feel like I'm flying

But I can't seem to get high enough

Other times I feel like I'm dying

I make hasty decisions off the cuff

I've been so hurt that the pain I cannot bare

How can I go on and act as if I am fine?

To deal with this trauma sober, I shall not dare

The best way I can handle it is to incline

Do not attempt to stop me

I hate feeling shackled down

The best thing to do is let me be

I don't mind being the talk of the town

When I am in the streets I feel so free

Certain things I've done I am not proud of

I enjoy the lifestyle I live to a certain degree

Don't judge me for going after what I think I love

This isn't my fault, but you could never understand

This life was unavoidable in so many ways

Maybe things would be different if I had a helping hand

Maybe if somebody cared I could see better days

The feeling I get from it is indescribable

I don't have a care in my life

My connection to it is indefinable

I have rebelled just as Lot's wife

My actions are reckless

My behavior is destructive

One day I will end up breathless

Everything I do is impulsive

I'd rather feel high than low

The night life screams my name

If you haven't been there you wouldn't know

An addiction is not easy to tame

I have my way of dealing with things

I won't judge you for how you deal with yours

I love the feeling of having wings

I dislike being washed upon shores

I could stop if I wanted to

I am having too much fun right now

I am in control, I do what I want to do

I think you are trying to change me somehow

I never want to come down, I like it up here

Nothing can compare to this rush

I'm not the puppet, I'm the puppeteer

I'm not just a queen I'm the royal flush

Life is too demanding and painful

My escape is easy and is satisfying

Reality is a misunderstanding and is hateful

I prefer things breezy and appetizing

I may neglect responsibilities

I consider it avoiding stress

Don't underestimate my abilities

It is my choice to transgress

One day I may stay on the ground

One night I may end up on the moon

Comfort is what I finally have found

I cannot part from this feeling too soon

This is dedicated to anybody who has suffered from addiction