Insecurity

          How do you overcome insecurity? Can it be conquered? I would think that love is the only thing powerful enough to conquer insecurity, but how do you love if you are insecure? When you have a wall built up so high and made of the strongest stone, how to you bring it down? Being insecure can truly hurt those who care about you. Maybe you find a person who is trustworthy, but your mind is so consumed with what ifs that you cannot let your guard down. So then what happens? You push them away. What that person does not know is the pain you feel.

          Alright, this is about me. The pain I feel. There is an empty place in my soul. My heart is frostbitten. Loneliness consumes my life. Some wounds can never heal. Insecurity is a sickness. It has ruined my life by causing me to have false accusations. Assumptions rather than factual evidence. The pain I feel is so unbearable but it must be tolerated. When I think I've overcome my insecurities I am put to the test. I fail every time. Life has caused me to become this poisonous human being. I'm toxic with all of my pain, my deceit,  allegations, hatred, contradictions, manipulations, anger,  regret, and my unacceptable behavior. I can remember my time of innocence, as a child. I would look in the mirror at myself and point out every flaw. I would notice everything I didn't like about myself. Little did I know physical defects would be the least of my worries.  I would dream of the woman I would become. Marriage with children, a career and a nice home. Little did I know all of the pain and heartache life had in store for me. I never imagined I would be a convicted felon. Being a single mother never was in my plans. Single at the age of 27 without a friend in the world never was a thought in mind during my innocence. My innocence is long gone. The steps I've taken in life thus far have brought me to a very dark and unhappy place. Trust is almost non-existent. I long for trust more than I long for love. Love cannot survive without trust.

          They say "hurt people, hurt people" and this saying is accurate. Pain is projected even when it is not intended to. Nobody likes an insecure individual, but before you pass judgment take into consideration what a person has been through to cause him or her to be that way. Every person has a story. My story hasn't ended yet. I remain optimistic that the demons from my past will be exorcised so that I may live in freedom rather than confinement.