Fighting Dreams

& I dreamt of you last night, but I don't want to dream again. I spoke with you in my sleep, but that's not what really happened. You touched me from afar, maybe you missed me too. Whatever happens between us, I will never forget you. I'm lying in bed writing to you, but you'll never even know. I'm fighting my dreams tonight, just in case you decide to show. Seeing you there was surreal, I never thought I'd see you again. I don't want to see you with my eyes closed, I don't want it to be pretend. I'll stay up until tomorrow, I'll stay up every night. If I can't have you for real, my dreams I'll have to fight.

These Days

There's this hope that you will find someone who is different, whose energy matches yours, maybe even your "perfect match", so you play the dating game. It's hard to let anyone in, because most people waste your time and disappoint you. You've been through it before, more than once. Is all of the heartache and heartbreak worth it if eventually you find your mate? You know you've been used before, misled, and taken for granted. But you can't go into the next situation holding the sins of the last person against this new person. It isn't right, right? So you give them the benefit of the doubt. You guys are spending time together, investing in one another, things are on a good path. Then the inevitable happens. It all goes south. Maybe they already had a mate, or they met someone else who was of more interest. Maybe they only wanted sex or money. There's always a reason why it doesn't work out, but sometimes the reason leaves you broken and insecure. It leaves you angry and sad. You don't want to ever trust anyone else. How can you? Every person you give a chance to lets you down. These days people have no heart. These days people have no conscience. These days people will lie to you, cheat on you, ignore you, use you, abuse you. These days you never know what to expect from people, but you can expect to be let down. So we're all just going from person to person looking for what's missing. The problem is, what's missing for some isn't what is missing for others. For some it's a connection, love, affection. For others it's sex, drugs, money, food dates, or anything else they can use to fill a void. A void left by someone else, and now they are using YOU to compensate for what they don't have. They get finished with you, toss you to the side, and don't even consider your feelings. These days people are selfish. As long as they got what they wanted, it does not matter who got hurt in the process. So we pick ourselves up, eventually. We have to make ourselves interact with new people, try to find a new connection, even just a spark, to find hope again. Or we don't. We lie broken hearted, broken spirited, broken emotionally, broken and damaged we just lie there in our beds at night, or in the bathtub, or on the floor and we ask, "why?".. Why me? Why not me? Why did it happen again? Why did they do that? Why didn't they do that? Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that? Etc etc. We search our broken selves for answers we will never get. These days we can't even move on because the energy of another is locked within our soul. So we take on more damage, more pain, more soul ties, but we aren't supposed to have baggage. We aren't supposed to distrust others, we aren't supposed to expect disappointment, we aren't supposed to do a damn thing other than smile, laugh, be charming, and try to sell ourselves to the next contestant. Look at me! My ass is fat! I contoured my face! I know how to cook! I have a good job! My sex game is the truth! Look at me! See me! Love me!?! But beneath it all is broken glass, stab wounds, bullet holes, trust issues, daddy issues, mommy issues, sexual trauma, insecurities, and dark corners we never want anyone else to see. These days.